Ok so just to get this over with, I have no friends! I mean don’t get me wrong, I have friends on Facebook, followers on twitter and instagram, and connections on LinkedIn; but no real friends in my life. Hard to believe? Is it hard to believe because I’m pretty? If you answered yes, you’re an idiot!
Just kidding, but seriously, I don’t have any friends, homegirls, road dogs, besties, fwb (friends with benefits), buddies, or anything of that nature. I socialize but not thoroughly. When I was younger, I always felt weird. I always liked what other girls my age, didn’t like. I loved to do boy things but that didn’t help because even though the boys played with me, I was still a girl and nothing could’ve changed that.
Let’s start from the beginning but I’ll be brief. In school, I loved to learn – a lot! I loved English, reading, writing, creative writing, and just anything that could consume my mind. No one in my household was interested in my interests. As I continued to grow up with my business – like mind, I became more and more confused about people and life. In school, I was one of the smartest and one of the poorest. Those two categories alone will keep anyone friendless unless you attract people that share your interests. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky. Due to many circumstances, I attracted kids that were violent, lived in disturbed and dysfunctional homes, kids that had careless parents, and poor kids.
Since I attracted those kinds of kids, it’s only right to be like them right? Well I tried living both lives, good kid for my mom and evil, disturbed kid for my peers. It was a sad and traumatizing life to live. If I was bad in school, I had to go home to get my butt whipped. My mom was very strict, we would get a whipping if we got a C on our report cards. My mom lived a dysfunctional and disturbed life as well, so no need to go further into the ass beatings. Anyway, I couldn’t fight when I was younger, I talked a lot. I tried to scare other kids with my words. It didn’t work though. The kids that really could fight would pick on me and tease me. That made the other kids that I was trying to impress, view me as a lame or nerd.
I was even teachers pet due to having no friends. I use to get picked on because:
I had long hair
My clothes were out of style
My shoes were cheap
My hair was nappy
I couldn’t have friends over
I couldn’t visit friends
I loved to learn
The list goes on. As I continued to grow, my poor lifestyle still existed, so high school was out of the question in my mind. I tried high school but it didn’t work for me. The kids were even more harsh than elementary and middle school. In high school, I had to wear the same clothes almost every other day. I wasn’t popular at all. I knew people and people knew me but the only good thing that people had to say about me was how smart and pretty I was. Looks alone definitely doesn’t take you far in life.
As I started to realize how lonely I actually was, I started looking for friendship in many different places and ways. First, I used my looks a lot to gain friends. I end making enemies, loads of enemies! My looks only got me male friends. These guys weren’t looking for a hangout buddy or someone to talk to. These so called male friends wanted to touch me and play with my body in ways that had me scared, confused, and even more lonely. I moved on from making young male friends to adult male friends. Oh what a mistake that was. I was introduced to many adult things that I had no prior knowledge of. This one guy that was suppose to be my friend, had me selling drugs for him. I ran away from home, not to be a rebel but to figure out life. My mom kept me sheltered so the only life I knew was school and home. But the older male that I was hustling for would give me a brown paper bag full of individually wrapped crack rocks to sell for him. He would have me sit on his mother’s porch and serve every customer that came by looking for him. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t have a phone, and I dam near hustled for him in the same clothes everyday. He wouldn’t give me any of the money that I’d made for him. He never bought me anything but food, and he use to fuck the living daylight out of me while I just laid there not really feeling anything at all. I continued to do this for him because I felt wanted and needed. I felt like I had someone in my corner. Crazy right?
I continued to sell drugs for this guy until one day. Other women decided to start hitting on him. I know it sounds crazy but I was actually jealous. No matter how bad he treated me. I didn’t want anyone to take the only person that I thought I had.
He stayed around just a little longer until he started to realize how clingy I was becoming. I was already to young for him and I had nothing to offer him. His mom moved out of that house that I was selling out of so it started to become a trap house. It smelled bad, looked bad, and it was so run down, you’d think it was vacant. But no, this lost soul (me) still lived there. Waiting for him. It ended when he took me back home to my mom. I continued to search for friends and ended up in the same predicament every time-LONELY!
to be continued…….
(My stories are lengthy but well worth the read)