I can’t be the only one…

Life sucks! Well, I take that back, it has its perks. However, mine has had a number of things. I’d hate to sound cliché but, my life has had ups, downs, side to sides, back and forths, twists, turns, and even some criss crosses. (I know those are made up words) Anyway, I’ve decided to fill the world in on my life. No, I’m not tooting my own horn. … I actually am less confident than people think. I feel like most of the things that go on in my mind, are weird. A few others can vouch for that statement. I feel alone a lot though. I feel like no one else could possibly have a mind like mine. So that is why I’ve chosen to blog. I want to see if I’m alone here.

Recently I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown that sent me to the hospital. (Psychiatric Unit) But before I made it to the actual “prison”…..Let me tell you what led up to this. I had been feeling down for a few days. I tried reaching out to family, Co-workers, fiancé, Jesus, myself? Nothing or no one helped. They brushed it off and told me that everything would be ok. How the hell will everything be ok? I hadn’t even told them what was wrong with me yet, ha! I continued to TRY to reach out but I still felt alone and now vulnerable. I was at work when the initial breakdown began. I tried to hold off the tears until the end of my shift but they just started falling and I felt weaker as the time passed.

The end of my shift finally arrived and I ran outside to meet my fiancé and when I walked up to the car, I saw his 3 year old daughter and his little brother. Everybody dressed all up and I felt like and looked like shit. (All in my head) I said, damn I don’t want them to see me like this. I tried looking out of the car window to hide my face but I was so weak and miserable, the damn tears appeared again. Here I am again, vulnerable, crying, weak, insecure, and just messed up. The ride home seemed longer than usual. (Why is the damn ride so long when something is wrong with you? ) The entire ride home I kept asking myself over and over: “I WONDER HOW THEY WOULD FEEL IF I DIED? ” That statement kept messing with me. So I had made up my mind, So I thought, that I was gonna end my life. But my dumb ass sent everybody a goodbye forever text. (Cry for help) My fiancé got fed up with my whining so he decided to just go and enjoy the day with his family. He left, then that was my chance, my chance to play almighty and take my own life. (Selfish? )

Anyway, I’m at home and I’m running around the house looking for pills and whatever I could find to aide me in this dumb ass decision I was gonna make. I took 2 OTC sleeping pills. I saw like a third of some witch hazel, window cleaner, and another all purpose cleaner, and mixed them with some juice and water. I sat there looking stupid then I sent my fiancé another pity text.

I tried to take the first drink. Oh god, I forgot to hold my nose. It was awful, I spit the mix in a bucket. I tried more the next time with my nose pinched but I gagged and spit up it up. I laid down on the floor actually praying for death but it never came. My fiance and the kids came back and caught me lying on the floor. I locked the door so no one could get in but that made the panic worse. I was so weak I couldn’t even open the door. All I could hear was my fiancé, his daughter, and his little brother screaming for help. At that point I knew that I had made it to my breaking point. I knew that I needed to see a doctor but I did not know that I would have an eye opening experience in the hospital. I’m going to stop here……..but everyone needs to realize that no one has your back in life like you do and we’re all the same. Some know more than others but we all face life. What will you do when you need someone to talk to? Think about the people that you talk to… consider the fact that they are the same as you. They have problems too. Stay tuned for: MY STAY AT THE HOSPITAL. (ALL TRUE STORIES AND FACTS/NO FILTER)

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Lacey C. Riley

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11 thoughts on “I can’t be the only one…

  1. tpcsufian says:

    You are definitely not alone. Technically i have a list of mental illnesses myself. “Invisible disabilities” they like to call it. I believe everyone has mental illness in one form or another. Some people just arent diagnosed yet.

    Like

  2. Brent Blonigaan says:

    First of all, we all know that you are not alone. By the way, you are attractive. But, what you are conveying is nothing to be ashamed about.

    I write to clear out the clutter in my head. There is something about writing that helps the writer and the reader. It tis kind of like a release valve. And by releasing this shit, someone out there is helped and may feel not alone.

    A few weeks ago, I walked for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I met a lot of wonderful people that seem so normal, like you and I, but suffer from time to time. There is no right or wrong. There is no shame in any of this. And, you know, we all know that but it is easy for us to be hard on ourselves.

    Like

  3. To be sane in an insane world is insanity. To maintain sanity in an insane world that thinks it’s sane is bloody hard work. You have the introspection, drive and the reflection and you care, share and think. Find those around you that appreciate that, but regardless, appreciate it in yourself. Not meaning to preach, but you got me thinking. Been through my dark times and they are tough, but cut loose, be you, not what you think they think you should be. You are perfectly imperfect and that is fine. The key to mental health, share what you can, but put yourself first. You are as important as anyone you care for, I fact more so, but look after yourself and help others and your energy becomes immortal. I look forward to hearing more of what you have to share and am very grateful for the fact that you have read some of my words and they landed well with you. Good luck on your journey. I look forward to hearing a positive progression.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your courage to write is very inspiring. Keep the words flowing out to keep the thoughts from swirling around inside your mind. I too have suffered and would like to share my words with you.

    https://jotraveller.wordpress.com/2015/06/03/it-all-came-crashing-down/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Anonymous says:

    Thought you might like this http://youtu.be/pAoao9FkHwE

    Liked by 1 person

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