MY LIFE AT A GLANCE
KID: Thoughts, Actions, Consequences
I was troubled as a kid. However, my troubles were silent. I didn’t have/expose a “well-known” mental disorder such as retardation, ADHD, Schizophrenic, or Bipolar Disorder. It started off as an attention thing. Some where in this damn brain of mine, I craved attention. I didn’t just need it; at that time in my life – I lived for it. ATTENTION–that word is more powerful than you may think. If you’re getting plenty of attention then you may not understand.
I wanted attention at home. I had 1 sister and 2 brothers but I was still alone. (My siblings were troubled too) I wanted my mom to come to my school parent teacher conferences and field trips. She couldn’t- no time at the time I guess. At home, my mom had a boyfriend-an alcoholic, that turned into a complete stranger when he drank. My biological father was a crack addict. So I had no idea where he was. My mom’s boyfriend was my father. He was the only father figure I had. My dad popped in and out so he was my father when he came around but back to the dysfunctional craziness at home.
Things I’ve done as a child were extreme, YOU’VE OFFICIALLY BEEN WARNED;
I’ve hidden in the basement quite a few times when I was a kid. That was my science lab. My dumb ass thought by making myself sick, I’d get some attention. Even if it was negative, as long as someone showed concern for me. One day, I went into my lab, upset and depressed. Can’t quite remember why. But I searched my lab for some kind of chemical to ingest. First thing I saw was some WD-40. A water displacement chemical. I use to see my step dad use it when he fixed on cars, so I thought that it was really dangerous. This particular item was in aerosol form so I had to spray the shit in my mouth. (How stupid was I? ) I sat there and cried and sprayed, cried and sprayed, and spit. I felt vindicated somehow, like, “yea, ima be sick, now she gonna have to care for me, everybody will”! So I thought! Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t hoping to die-I wanted to be nurtured and cared for. Fortunately, the WD-40 didn’t make me sick. No one ever found out about what I had done. I even tried drinking dish detergent mixed with water – voila-no reaction, no vomiting, or any kind of sickness pertaining to being chemically poisoned.
The void in my mind that craved attention grew larger and deeper. I mean, I literally lost my mind as a child. One time, I ran away from home (Down the street), Not going to go into detail about why I ran away-but I do remember that on this day, I was extremely depressed. I still felt deprived of attention.
I ran away to my cousins house one night and she decided to go out with my ex. (The infamous dealer from my previous story) Everybody in the house left to go to a club and I was to young to attend. Once again, I’m alone trying to shake my depression-nothing worked. I just felt like no one cared about me. I was wearing the same clothes everyday. I slept just about anywhere. It was just all bad. No one would answer their phones when I called so I just sat in the middle of the floor thinking about what to do next.
ATTENTION-that’s all I wanted and needed. So I came up with the idea to once again, make myself sick so that everyone would feel guilty for leaving me. I went in the bathroom and found some pills in the medicine cabinet. The pills were called Pamprin. The were OTC pain medicine for menstrual cramps. I poured the the whole bottle out on the bed and just looked at them in a daze. I went to the kitchen to get something to drink and returned to my doom. I swallowed all of the pills that came out of the bottle.
Come to find out, the bottle was brand new. That meant that I swallowed 150 pills. I called my sister – I vaguely remember the conversation that I had with her. I remember falling to the floor and just lying there looking up at the ceiling. My sister was still on the phone screaming my name. I heard a knock on the door. I had a feeling that it was the police but to my surprise, it was EMS.
The last thing that I remember from that day was seeing a big blue tube in my mouth. My mom and her boyfriend stood over me asking me, “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS”? and thought it was important to tell me how stupid my decision was.
In conclusion, I went through all of that for nothing. We are all individuals no matter how we’re related. It’s great doing for others and helping others but take care of yourself first! No matter how selfish it sounds. Sometimes you have to take a step back and see what needs to be corrected rather than looking to others to fill your void. The world does not revolve around just one particular person, it revolves around all of us but we are responsible for ourselves, our health, and mental states! Please take heed and listen to your children. No parent or child is perfect.