RAPE: HOW CAN I RUIN YOU?

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All I saw was the ceiling, there was a ceiling fan twirling above my head but there was no air. Every PUMP took my breath away. Every PUMP took my scream away. If I moved- a calloused fist would swing in the dark – then stars would appear, floating around my face. His SWEAT tasted like metal-it was like he was exuding blood from his sweat glands.

His fingernails entered my skin like tiny blades. I felt those fingers crawling around inside me for years. Those razors sliced my womanhood and innocence to pieces. I wanted him to just KILL me. I didn’t deserve to live through that. I didn’t cry because my eyes would burn. I didn’t want to move because another rage-filled fist would punish me. I hated myself for being so weak. I hated myself for allowing this to happen.

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As I continued to lay there, I started to become complacent with the pain. In a way, I started feeling like I deserved it. I closed my eyes as he fucked me harder-the dryness didn’t stop him. My tensed body didn’t stop him.

IS THIS REAL? WAS THIS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?

I was 15 years old at the time. The rapist happened to be someone very close to one of my relatives. I trusted him, I let him in my life, and all he knew to do was take my sanity and innocence. I never told anyone, I was so afraid. I wasn’t the best kid and I was troubled, so who would believe me? That night invades my life everyday. Men that I thought that I could trust, only hurt me!

THANK GOD, I HAD AND HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE WITH LIFE.

LET’S GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE. CHANGE HAS TO COME!

“Childhood Deprivation”{Story}

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MY LIFE AT A GLANCE

KID: Thoughts, Actions, Consequences

I was troubled as a kid. However, my troubles were silent. I didn’t have/expose a “well-known” mental disorder such as retardation, ADHD, Schizophrenic, or Bipolar Disorder. It started off as an attention thing. Some where in this damn brain of mine, I craved attention. I didn’t just need it; at that time in my life – I lived for it. ATTENTION–that word is more powerful than you may think. If you’re getting plenty of attention then you may not understand.

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PSYCHOSIS

Have you ever sat down with thoughts in your mind and don’t know what they are?

Stuck quietly in a gaze deep and far.
Unable to explain exactly how you feel
As if you’ve lost touch with what’s fake and what’s real

When you’re hurt it feels good and when you feel good it hurts
when you really think about, it sounds absurd.

Despite the absurdity, that’s how I really, truly feel,
I feel like my mind is over crowded headed for overkill.

Sometimes I feel several emotions all at once
Not knowing which ones to keep and which ones to plunge.

At times I feel so alone in this head of mine, like no one feels the same way that I do,
questioning my sanity continuously as if my mind is askew.

Do we even know if we are awake or asleep?
Can we decipher an illusion from what we really believe?
I feel all these things but really I don’t know what it all means

I depend on these emotions, maybe it’s time to be weaned
Live and let go is the best route to take,
Empty my mind and free my spirit to relieve this heartache.

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Lacey C Riley
LACEYS PACE

“Friend-Less” Part II

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Sad, lonely, confused, but STRONG!

Photo courtesy of: http://www.healthyblackwoman.com/what-happens-to-adult-black-women-who-suffered-abuse-before-age-11/

After the hurt from the dealer mentioned in part one, I still didn’t learn a clear lesson. I still searched for friends everywhere. I kept reaching out to females for friendship but as quick as it started-it ended. Some were lost because I wasn’t interested in anything that they had to talk about. I wasn’t into men, especially after dealing with the last one. I wasn’t interested in shopping, hair, nails, makeup, or anything they had in mind. I tried being friends with older women but they tried to turn me out. Let me give you a more detailed description of what being “Turned Out” means.

I met this lady at McDonald’s-we both were employed there. During the time that I worked at McDonald’s, I was having some serious issues with my marriage. My ex husband and I were very violent towards each other. So due to my situation at home, I was making plans to leave my home to get away from that toxic relationship.

Over time, I started chilling with the female that I mentioned previously. I would go over her house and try to talk to her about my problems, but she was always trying to find some gangster or drug dealer to hook me up with. She would do my hair in ways that I wouldn’t normally style it. She didn’t like any of my clothes-so she changed that too.

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Hospital Visit: Psychiatric Prison

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The EMS arrived at my home and got me to start talking. They sympathized with me and gave me all the attention that I needed. One of the paramedics actually gave me a lecture about life which was comforting at the time. The two paramedics promised that I would get the help that I needed. I arrived at the hospital on a stretcher but thank God they didn’t strap me down. All of the nurses were starring at me and whispered amongst each other. I expected that though-due to the reason I was I was being hospitalized.

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I can’t be the only one…

Life sucks! Well, I take that back, it has its perks. However, mine has had a number of things. I’d hate to sound cliché but, my life has had ups, downs, side to sides, back and forths, twists, turns, and even some criss crosses. (I know those are made up words) Anyway, I’ve decided to fill the world in on my life. No, I’m not tooting my own horn. … I actually am less confident than people think. I feel like most of the things that go on in my mind, are weird. A few others can vouch for that statement. I feel alone a lot though. I feel like no one else could possibly have a mind like mine. So that is why I’ve chosen to blog. I want to see if I’m alone here.

Recently I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown that sent me to the hospital. (Psychiatric Unit) But before I made it to the actual “prison”…..Let me tell you what led up to this. I had been feeling down for a few days. I tried reaching out to family, Co-workers, fiancé, Jesus, myself? Nothing or no one helped. They brushed it off and told me that everything would be ok. How the hell will everything be ok? I hadn’t even told them what was wrong with me yet, ha! I continued to TRY to reach out but I still felt alone and now vulnerable. I was at work when the initial breakdown began. I tried to hold off the tears until the end of my shift but they just started falling and I felt weaker as the time passed.

The end of my shift finally arrived and I ran outside to meet my fiancé and when I walked up to the car, I saw his 3 year old daughter and his little brother. Everybody dressed all up and I felt like and looked like shit. (All in my head) I said, damn I don’t want them to see me like this. I tried looking out of the car window to hide my face but I was so weak and miserable, the damn tears appeared again. Here I am again, vulnerable, crying, weak, insecure, and just messed up. The ride home seemed longer than usual. (Why is the damn ride so long when something is wrong with you? ) The entire ride home I kept asking myself over and over: “I WONDER HOW THEY WOULD FEEL IF I DIED? ” That statement kept messing with me. So I had made up my mind, So I thought, that I was gonna end my life. But my dumb ass sent everybody a goodbye forever text. (Cry for help) My fiancé got fed up with my whining so he decided to just go and enjoy the day with his family. He left, then that was my chance, my chance to play almighty and take my own life. (Selfish? )

Anyway, I’m at home and I’m running around the house looking for pills and whatever I could find to aide me in this dumb ass decision I was gonna make. I took 2 OTC sleeping pills. I saw like a third of some witch hazel, window cleaner, and another all purpose cleaner, and mixed them with some juice and water. I sat there looking stupid then I sent my fiancé another pity text.

I tried to take the first drink. Oh god, I forgot to hold my nose. It was awful, I spit the mix in a bucket. I tried more the next time with my nose pinched but I gagged and spit up it up. I laid down on the floor actually praying for death but it never came. My fiance and the kids came back and caught me lying on the floor. I locked the door so no one could get in but that made the panic worse. I was so weak I couldn’t even open the door. All I could hear was my fiancé, his daughter, and his little brother screaming for help. At that point I knew that I had made it to my breaking point. I knew that I needed to see a doctor but I did not know that I would have an eye opening experience in the hospital. I’m going to stop here……..but everyone needs to realize that no one has your back in life like you do and we’re all the same. Some know more than others but we all face life. What will you do when you need someone to talk to? Think about the people that you talk to… consider the fact that they are the same as you. They have problems too. Stay tuned for: MY STAY AT THE HOSPITAL. (ALL TRUE STORIES AND FACTS/NO FILTER)

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Lacey C. Riley